It's story time, kids. Grab your coffee and your resting mat, because it's naptime immediately after. You don't have to be a mom to enjoy this story, but you do have to have an irritable bone in your body. If you don't have that, well, congratulations.
I call this, "Can I Have One Now?!"
Yesterday, I had to "fast" for a doctor's appointment - no food or drink until noon. I was all, this will be easy, I don't eat a ton in the morning anyway, it's all good. But I had forgotten about coffee. And I had not considered that maybe Jack would have a horrible night, and I'd be up 3 times in his room, and when morningtime rolled around I just might be exhausted and crabby. Which is exactly what happened.
My first spasm of hunger came and went around 8:30. It was like a contraction, slowly building from an "oh I wish I could eat something" to a "DAMMIT WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY BODY I WILL EAT YOU COUNTERTOP!!!" And then back down. So when that passed, I knew I needed to distract myself until it happened again. Hey I know, let's bake muffins.
What?? What a stupid, moronic idea that was. Do you know how much dough and batter I usually consume while baking?? But whatever, I thought it would be fun for Jack, who was acting as restless as I was. Here he is mashing bananas...
This held his attention for exactly one minute. Then he looked at me and said, "you're screwed mama." (I think that's what he said, I was hallucinating.)
That's when it started. "Can I have one now?" "No, baby, they're not ready yet." "Can I have one now?" "Buddy, we have to put them in the oven first." "Can I have one now?" "Jack, I said no, not yet." "Can I have one now?" "There are poisonous eggs in here and if you eat it now you will die."
And so on and so forth for the next 30 minutes.
Remember, I haven't had food. I haven't had coffee. If you must know, it is that time of the month. I am more irritable than Kate Gosselin when her bodyguard doesn't get pizza (google that). Every time Jack says, "Can I have one now?" a little part of the nurturing, loving, caring mommy inside of me dies.
I just realized there is no plot or climax to this story. It's basically one GIANT venting session that's only somewhat related to food. (And while I'm on that, click HERE for the recipe. I opted for no frosting and added peanut butter chips and chocolate chips instead. They're superb.)
The muffins baked for 20 minutes. Jack asked, "Can I have one now?" approximately 6 times per minute. That's 120 times. I'm used to him repeating himself, but usually I can shove food in my mouth or coffee down my throat and find a happy place in my brain.
FINALLY. They were done...
He was quiet. For 5 minutes, he ate his muffin and was quiet. The moral of this story? Don't bake muffins when you're fasting. And don't bake muffins with a 2.5 year old. And don't write blog stories when all of the bones in your body are irritable.
(I'll make this up to you.)