It's been awhile since I've written a Siriously? I'm Serious. So here goes. Please love it.
IF YOU'RE LIKE ME... and you are...
... you cannot open a brand new gallon of milk and pour it into your cereal or your son's bottle without spilling everywhere. Or, for that matter, pour cream from an urn spouted vase thing into your coffee without it sliding down the side of the cup and onto the table. How f'ing frustrating is that?! If someone knows how to avoid this spillage, please send me a videotape of yourself effectively pouring with step-by-step instructions, followed by some karaoke.
...then waiting at the microwave INFURIATES you. I'll reheat my coffee for 30 seconds and halfway through I think, "F!!! I should have done 25 seconds, why is this taking so long?! I mean seriously, it's been at least 97 seconds now. WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE!?!?" If I could have a conversation with the microwave, it would go something like this:
Microwave: What's up?
Me: Just warmin’ up my coffee. Ya know.
Microwave: 30 seconds. Good choice.
Me: So................ has it been 30 seconds yet?
Microwave: No. It's been like 4 seconds. Why are you twitching like that?
Me: SHUT UP YOU ARE AN UGLY, AWFUL LIAR…4 SECONDS MY ASS, IT'S BEEN MORE LIKE 40,000 SECONDS! GIVE ME THAT COFFEE YOU MORON, I HATE YOUR FACE AND WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.
I shouldn't be having conversations with kitchen appliances.
...plastic bags at the grocery store are impossible for you to open. Am I doing something wrong?? I attempt to open one end, fail, FLIP OUT, try the other end, fail, FLIP OUT some more, then realize it was the end I couldn’t open the first time. Finally I slit it open, slightly (with my tongue hanging out and my eyes crossed). I’ve dropped all the produce by then and I’m so worked up, I’m over food in general. Who needs food in a bag anyway?? I usually just take a sample and leave the store.