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Siriously? I'm Serious: If You're Like Me

2/3/11

It's been awhile since I've written a Siriously? I'm Serious. So here goes. Please love it.

IF YOU'RE LIKE ME... and you are...

... you cannot open a brand new gallon of milk and pour it into your cereal or your son's bottle without spilling everywhere. Or, for that matter, pour cream from an urn spouted vase thing into your coffee without it sliding down the side of the cup and onto the table. How f'ing frustrating is that?! If someone knows how to avoid this spillage, please send me a videotape of yourself effectively pouring with step-by-step instructions, followed by some karaoke.


...then waiting at the microwave INFURIATES you. I'll reheat my coffee for 30 seconds and halfway through I think, "F!!! I should have done 25 seconds, why is this taking so long?! I mean seriously, it's been at least 97 seconds now. WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE!?!?" If I could have a conversation with the microwave, it would go something like this:

Me: Hey.
Microwave: What's up?
Me: Just warmin’ up my coffee. Ya know.
Microwave: 30 seconds. Good choice.
Me: So................ has it been 30 seconds yet?
Microwave: No. It's been like 4 seconds. Why are you twitching like that?
Me: SHUT UP YOU ARE AN UGLY, AWFUL LIAR…4 SECONDS MY ASS, IT'S BEEN MORE LIKE 40,000 SECONDS! GIVE ME THAT COFFEE YOU MORON, I HATE YOUR FACE AND WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.


I shouldn't be having conversations with kitchen appliances.

...plastic bags at the grocery store are impossible for you to open. Am I doing something wrong?? I attempt to open one end, fail, FLIP OUT, try the other end, fail, FLIP OUT some more, then realize it was the end I couldn’t open the first time. Finally I slit it open, slightly (with my tongue hanging out and my eyes crossed). I’ve dropped all the produce by then and I’m so worked up, I’m over food in general. Who needs food in a bag anyway?? I usually just take a sample and leave the store.

5 comments:

Go. Be. Do said...

You make me smile.

Andrea the Kitchen Witch said...

100% there on the microwave and its strange control over the space time continuim. 30 seconds is NOT that long any other time of my life. Get with it microwave!!

I, sad but true, CAN pour milk and or cream with out spilling it. I can even sing karaoke. I will not however provide you video evidence LOL :)

Valerie said...

I do the exact same thing with the microwave. I sit there as the seconds count down thinking it's the SLOWEST 30 seconds of my life. And how to pour milk without spilling is completely out of my skill range. Happy Birthday!! Hope you have a great day and do something fun to celebrate!

Evie said...

I know what you mean about the microwave. When I moved into my little apartment by myself I had to make sacrifices for my tiny kitchen...it was either a toaster oven or a microwave....I went with the toaster oven...

Hope you have a great weekend!

Kelly said...

I swear to heaven that I have had that EXACT conversation with my microwave. It's a tricky bas$%@d. Don't let it fool you.

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